By Prof (Dr) Sudha Prasad

If you have lost a pregnancy and find yourself asking what you did wrong, the blog begins with a gentle request — pause and be kind to yourself. In most cases, a miscarriage is not caused by anything a woman did or failed to do, yet guilt becomes the invisible, quiet burden women carry alongside grief.

A large part of that guilt is fed by myths. Well-meaning family and friends often say:

• Don’t exercise too much
• You should have stayed in bed
• You were worrying too much

Even with good intentions, these comments suggest the loss was preventable and deepen the pain.

The medical truth is different. Most early miscarriages happen because the pregnancy is not developing normally. Nearly 1% of pregnancies may be abnormal and end in miscarriage, and many are associated with genetic abnormalities in the embryo. Often, no single cause can be found at all. Ordinary life — working, walking, exercising, having sex, or everyday stress — does not generally cause miscarriage.

That does not mean every loss is unexplained. Certain medical conditions and other factors can increase risk, which is why Prof. Prasad emphasizes the importance of pre-pregnancy medical assessment and counselling for couples. But uncertainty about the cause should never become a reason for a woman to blame herself. Each case is different.

The blog then addresses the fear that follows loss: will it happen again? Will I ever hold a baby? After repeated losses, this fear can feel overwhelming. The reassurance offered is that one miscarriage — even repeated miscarriages — does not mean the end of hope. Many women go on to have healthy pregnancies after a loss.

For those with repeated losses, the advice is to speak with a gynaecologist or fertility specialist. Evaluation may include assessing the uterus, looking for certain medical conditions, or considering genetic factors. Sometimes a treatable cause is found; sometimes investigations give no definite answer. Not having an explanation is frustrating, but it does not mean hope is lost.

The blog also clarifies a common misconception: miscarriage does not automatically mean you need IVF. Whether fertility treatment might help depends entirely on individual medical circumstances and reproductive goals. What matters is receiving compassionate, appropriate medical guidance, understanding your options, and making informed decisions at your own pace — guided by medical advice, not by fear or the false belief that something is wrong with you.

Pregnancy loss is framed as more than a medical event. It is the loss of dreams, expectations, and a future that had begun to be imagined. Grief has no fixed timeline. A subsequent pregnancy can bring both hope and anxiety, partners may grieve differently, and even the birth of a healthy baby does not necessarily erase the pain of an earlier loss. You can feel grateful and still grieve. Healing should happen at your own pace, without guilt or comparison. If sadness or anxiety starts affecting daily life, seeking support from a healthcare professional or counsellor is not weakness, but an act of self-care.

Finally, tying it to 15 October – World Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day — a day to remember lost pregnancies and babies reminds us that behind every loss is a personal story. Some women speak openly, others grieve privately; both deserve respect.

Good care is not only about investigations and treatment. It is about listening, acknowledging pain, and helping people move forward without blame. The question after loss should never be “What did you do wrong?” but “How are you coping? What support do you need? How can we help you understand your options?” Sometimes healing begins simply with the reassurance that you are not to blame, and you do not have to face it alone.

(The author is Director and Senior IVF Specialist, Pacific OneHealth, Dwarka, New Delhi.)